Embrace Confrontation

Confrontation is a necessary part of communication. It's the act of facing another person in an argument, quarrel or disagreement. It requires self-confidence to be willing to speak the hard truth to those who might not want to hear these words.

This idea that confrontation is bad or something to be avoided at all costs can be traced back to a popular self-help book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Lerner argues that confrontation is destructive and undesirable. She also makes the point that many people choose to avoid it because they think it will lead to a bad outcome.

For example, let’s say you’re an assistant coach with aspirations of becoming a head coach. You need support from players, coaches and the media. If you anger someone with your honest assessment, then the media might write how players don’t like your leadership, thus preventing you from creating the momentum needed to become a head coach. If you say nothing, never anger anyone with the truth, then no one will complain.

Does that work? Yes.

But does it help you become a successful leader? No way.

This has had some negative consequences for those who are afraid of confrontation and needlessly prolong arguments or refuse to communicate at all when they want something but don't know how to ask for it.

Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin doesn’t have this problem. From an early age, he embraced the truth, created a style of leadership for himself that centered on honesty, demanding excellence and holding everyone accountable. Often, he is viewed as a “players coach.” In reality, he’s a leader willing to embrace confrontation.

After second-year offensive guard Kevin Dotson missed the first two weeks of training camp with an ankle injury, Tomlin had him working with the second team when he returned. When asked about it, Tomlin told reporters: “He’s done nothing to earn first-team reps. What are we talking about? He’s a second-year guy that hadn’t worked.”

Tomlin didn’t mince words. He was clear, concise and made his point, not only to Dotson but to others. Tomlin never worried about the backlash of being so blunt. He was only concerned about delivering his message to the team through Dotson.

Conflict is always going to be a part of our lives. It is crucial for our development and growth. It's inevitable that we'll come up against obstacles and find ourselves in stressful or uncomfortable situations. However, when we handle these difficult moments with grace and self-compassion, we can make them more manageable.

When we consistently speak the truth to those we lead, we can embrace confrontation as a good tool, never a bad one.

It works for a Super Bowl champion coach. It can work for you.