The Gift of a True Apology

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a renowned psychologist and author of 12 books translated into 35 languages—including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger and Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts—has dedicated much of her work to exploring the complexities of human relationships. Her insights on apologizing are particularly valuable as we navigate the sacredness of trust, accountability, and the art of living and leading.

On a podcast episode of Unlocking Us with Brené Brown, Dr. Lerner discussed the difficult yet essential act of apologizing. In leadership and life, many struggle with admitting mistakes, taking responsibility, and making amends. Yet, as Dr. Lerner explains, a sincere apology is one of the most transformational tools and gifts for fostering deeper trust, clarity, connection, repairing harm, and strengthening relationships.

"I believe that the two words I’m sorry are the most important words in our language," Dr. Lerner expressed.

"We’re all connected, we all screw up, we’re all imperfect human beings, and for this reason, the need to give and receive apologies will be with us until our very last breath. And when they’re done right, apologies are very healing. But when apologies are absent, or they go south, they compromise relationships—sometimes irreparably. Apologizing is central to everything we hold dear—to family, to marriage, to leadership, to parenting, to our ability to love ourselves and others. Apologizing is at the heart of it. So this really matters.”

So if it’s so important and critical to our lives and leadership, why do we often resist apologizing?

Because it requires confronting our own defensiveness, flaws, and humanity. It demands accountability without excuses or justification. We have been conditioned to see ourselves through a lens of it can’t be me; it must be them, but acknowledging the harm we’ve caused challenges that self-image. However, true leadership isn’t about perfection—it’s about taking responsibility, even when it’s uncomfortable and hard.

Dr. Lerner outlines nine useful principles for offering apologies that are meaningful and rooted in substance. She reframes what it means to give and receive an apology. A true apology is not about seeking validation, securing forgiveness, or erasing discomfort. It’s about integrity, self-awareness, and a genuine commitment to repairing trust and authentic connection.

Here are the nine components of a true apology from Dr. Lerner:

1. A true apology does not include the word "but." When you say, "I’m sorry, but…," whatever follows that "but" is going to be a criticism, a justification, or an excuse.

2. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions, not on the other person’s response.

3. A true apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation.

4. A true apology does not overdo.

5. A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it. You apologize for your part of the problem, even if the other person can’t see their part.

6. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance.

7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person. For example: "I said I’m sorry 10 times. Let’s not bring it up anymore."

8. A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. All apologies are not welcome.

9. A true apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything—not even to forgive.

In life and leadership, mistakes are inevitable—it’s how we respond, acknowledge, and take accountability for them that truly matters.

The real question becomes: Will we take ownership when an apology is due? Will we have the courage to say I’m sorry with sincerity and apply these lessons? And when someone apologizes to us, will we acknowledge their effort and truly listen to understand, rather than simply reacting or dismissing their words?

Great leadership is forged in difficult moments and hard conversations. Apologizing with humility and integrity is not a sign of weakness—it is a testament to our strength, emotional intelligence, and character.

The next time an apology is needed, take a moment to reflect on these principles and ask yourself: How will I show up and meet this moment? Will I keep both my mind and heart open—to giving as well as receiving an apology?

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